There is a reason why I'm so jumpy and sketchy. I trust NOONE. Not my Family. Not even my precious pups.
If you're reading this, you have most likely approached my general direction just to have me swiftly spin about and curse you into the 12th Lair of Hellfire.
Sorry, not sorry.
I dig the whole reincarnation thing. It makes sense to me, in a logical way, that energy can never die. It simply transfers from one space to another. I firmly believe that I must have been a slave in an ancient civilization. Maybe in Egypt, maybe Rome.
I do know that I had little to no food or water and I worked like a Cleaner Shrimp.
The point is that I have a reason, in the NOW, for stabbing people with forks for sneaking food off my plate or putting their lips on my drink, without asking.
I believe that I was also either in a war, a SideShow Freak kept in a cage and taunted by asshole children with balloons, or even obliterated in a loud explosion. I do not like to be around loud noises and avoid them at all costs. However, the occasional dipshit party that I get guilted into attending, will often have rubber balloons and, without fail, that one asshole adult that thinks it's funny to rub a balloon right next to me until their asshole kid picks up the habit. No worries from me, I have no problem bringing my crazy out and ruining an entire event because I hate loud noises.
And I hate to jump. To be scared.
I love, and live, the life of a Horror Movie Obsesse' (made that up 'cause I can). BUT, I will always cover my eyes or turn the tv down because I can not stand to jump.
I get violent. I have unintentionally kicked my own child in the face. I have punched my husband in the heart. I slapped my Father in the face with my open hand. I stopped talking to my Mother for a week after an event in a movie theater. I have absolutely no issues doing it to someone else.
Yes, In Middle School, I earned my Marksman Badge in the Junior Small Bore Rifle Division, Prone Position. I was the only one on my team to earn this badge at my one and only Libby Tournament, where I took home 2 trophies in Novice/Pro Marksman and Marksman.
But what you don't know is that I: 1) shoved the foam ear protectors into my ear, 2) made sure the earmuffs had kleenex packed inside before I put them on, and 3) sucked in my nose to close off my ears as best as I could. And even after all of that, when I was finished practice, I walked right out into the car and turned up our boombox...while still wearing all of the above. I would make my ears and jaw ache for hours. I could not bear the loud noise. I still can't.
I went with my Father, Boy, and his old friend to a range. Fired the standard .357 straight through the heart of the target. Then fired the Glock 19 9mm right through the same hole. Not to toot my horn, but yes I fucking will...I'm good. Buuuuuuut, everyone thought I was an asshole for all the ear protection and virtually communicating via sign language (except for my ASL Interpreting SisterFish, the rest of us know the fundamentals) since I dangerously rendered myself deaf. Love to shoot. Can't bear to be on or inside of a range.
And don't get me started on The Fourth of July....Fireworks at a distance? Super cool. Some drunk asshole setting of an M80 right behind me, to 'just kid around'? Well, that's why some people aren't friends anymore...and still walk with Maxi pads in their boxers.
Anyway, Darlings, the story....
I clean every day, as soon as Wednesday heads off to school. I work up a sweat, feel great, take a shower, and feel greater!
Today I hopped in the shower, feeling all cute with my new splurge from Bath and Body Works (Gingham, OMG!!!!) I am soaping it up, singing some songs (you know, the ones you wish you knew all the words to but since you're alone you just sing it how you want it?)
I should note that I make the dogs stay in the T.V. room and put a gate up, so they don't roam around and mess up my wet, clean floors.
So, as I'm singing in the hot, blistering goodness of my shower, I bend my head and face back to rinse out the conditioner from my hair and the soap off my face. I get ready to go into a very complex pitch, whilst singing with Chris Cornell as he does an acoustic version of "Nothing Compares To You" when the next 9 seconds caused my life to flash before my eyes.
Head and face in the water, I hear, "RRRRRRRRAAAAAARRRPPPPPP!"
I take on the sound of an impaled Banshee. Then, within 4 seconds, I realize "Frankenstein" escaped from the T.V. room and made his was into the bathroom. I slow my scream. I also discover that Bath and Body Works really fucking burns your eyes.
5 seconds after that, while trying to rinse my blinded eyes, I felt a tap on my shoulder.
A TAP!
I emit the most primitive, ear drum demolishing noice from the depths of my soul.
I spun, blindly, with an elbow to crack the face of the intruder!
As my right elbow followed back and cracked into my metal basket of soaps and scrubs, it loosened from the hangers and crashed to the tub floor. As this happened, I was crouched, following the elbow with a serious left hook that went straight into the shelf with the shampoos and conditioners.
I then right hooked and caught so much air, and water stream, that I slid back onto the little bottles and metal basket. Wailing, to the point of being unable to make a sound, I forced my eyes open.
Within 9 seconds, I had single handedly destroyed what took me half the morning to polish up and clean.
As I rapid blinked my swollen, painful eyeballs and stopped sputtering, I saw a single stream of water going outside of the main stream.
Somehow, my shower head got a bit of cleaner or fuzz from my cloth in front of a stream hole and was trying to push it out. It got enough of the debris out of the way to finally push out water, but not all the way to be in line with the flow. That tap was an errant spray of harmless water!
Needless to say, I was supposed to work on some boxing with Hulk tonight.
I feel I had excellent form, worked in an elbow, posture was great....who needs practice when you live the life of a warrior? However, some pool googles, Nitroglycerine patches, a new bathroom sponge, and a tighter fit on the dog gate may be right up my alley.
Let's see what sets me off in the next few minutes...just another day in the life.
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